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It's got me on my knees in a bathroom, praying to a god I don't even believe in [Sep. 20th, 2005|10:41 pm]
[mood |weirdweird]
[music |Against Me! Acoustic EP]

I love Against Me!

I'm the disco fucker of the new generation.

They play in Denver on the 9th of October. It's going to make my head explode.

Why are all the good girls taken? I swear, I swear off women and then I meet one who tickles my fancy, and she has a fucking boyfriend. I should just steal Kate from her boyfriend, huh? I mean, middle aged and old women find me extremely sexy, so I must have some kind of sexiness going on. Actually for some reason in the past week or so my self esteem has risen considerably. Girls at work are generally really nice to me, I'm fairly sure one tonight was ready to ask me out, though I was too oblivious to notice it until she left (she goes "what time do you close?" and I say "9" and she goes "are you just going home afterwards?" and i say "yeah" and she goes "oh. yeah, i used to work in retail and I was tired after work too." If I wasn't retarded, maybe I'd get a date every now and again. Now that I've got some semblance of self esteem I guess I just need maybe like half a brain to recognize when to go for it.

All of a sudden I'm working 30 hours a week, which means instead of like 120 bucks a week, I'll be making like 200-250. That's 4-500 dollars a paycheck, and that means I get to stop worrying about money a little bit.

After I graduate in December I am definitely taking a trip to New York. Imagine New York city at night in the winter. Tears well up in my eyes just thinking about it. I guess you Maryland folk have probably been there plenty of times but for a Georgia/Colorado boy like me it's something special. If anyone wants to go I'm really considering doing this, so I guess let me know at some point. Right now it's me and Brian.

Tonight We're Gonna Give it 35% by Against Me!
"We drank bottled water together and talked business. I think I played the right moves. You were looking over my shoulder, as I went through the motions of another night. And it was alright because I thought I knew who everybody was without even looking at them.

My heart is anywhere but here.

And how tired I was from the past couple weeks, from the past couple years, well it hit me all at once. On a balcony overlooking nothing, with snow falling all around, I call you just to say goodnight. And you hadn't done anything wrong really. It's me not you.

I can't believe how naive I was to think things could ever be so simple.

And can you live with what you know about yourself when you're all alone behind closed doors? The things we never said but we always knew were right there. It's got me on my knees in a bathroom, praying to a god I don't even believe in, "Dear Jesus... are you listening?" If this is the one chance that really matters, don't let me fuck this up. If you had told me about all this when I was fifteen, I never would have believed it."
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Music is God, or vice versa [Sep. 6th, 2005|10:55 pm]
[mood |tiredtired]
[music |Against Me! - Searching for a Former Clarity]

Sorry it's been so long.

Against Me! seriously makes me happy to be alive. They are my Jesus. Their new album is my bible. Their catalog is my ten commandments. Thou shalt listen to Reinventing Axl Rose. Thou shalt gawk at the lyrics to Tonight We're Gonna Give It 35%. Thou shalt rock the fuck out. Go buy their new album, Searching for a Former Clarity, and make them rich. See them when they come to town. They will rock your balls off, unless you're a girl, in which case they will rock your ovaries out. It's less painful than it sounds.

My brother broke up with his girlfriend. Thank God. I'm going to start going to church. Ha ha ha... no I'm not. But that's still great news. She was a bitch. He's 18, she's 16. Two year difference, I know, and to some of my loyal readers, that's nothing, but at that age there's a huge gap in maturity. He's already got a new girl interested in him. He's the good looking brother. That bastard.

On Thursday I am going to ask this girl named Kate out, if all goes according to plan. Wish me luck. She's the best dressed person I have ever seen and she laughs at me more than anybody I know. I like to pretend I'm amusing and she really helps me live the lie.

Softball season starts tomorrow and I am going to play for once. I used to play baseball but apparently, based on last weekend, I am not good anymore. I can field but I can't hit anything. Oh well. It's just intramurals and I don't really care. I'd update this journal more but I don't feel entertaining recently.
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This is where the world ends. Right here. [Aug. 23rd, 2005|09:34 pm]
[mood |rejectedrejected]
[music |Ted Leo - Hearts of Oak]

God, I want to write a story with that as the last two sentences. And I don't want it to be about the world actually ending. That'd be so damn literal. God, I miss Mitch Hedburg. "I want to see a fork lift lifting a crate of forks." I don't laugh so much anymore.

I want to meet people this semester. Both Sarai and Leslie have been telling me to get some fucking balls and believe in myself. It's not that easy. I've been perfecting this no self esteem thing for going on 12 years now, and I've really got it down. People are getting tired of me. I'm getting tired of me. I want to be someone else and that's disconcerting. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love me very much (insert witty masturbation joke here), but I'm sick of being me. If only for a little while I want to be a cocky, arrogant son of a bitch that's irresistable to women, instead of this humble, nice, very resistable guy I am now. I want to walk into a room and have people go "Now there's a guy I want to get to know" instead of walking into a room and having people go "Have I ever seen that guy before? I mean he looks vaguely familiar, but... nah, must not know him." I want to be five, ten years in the future when women are looking for a guy like me instead of some jerk who looks good and treats them like shit. I'm lonely and I don't feel like I deserve to be and it hurts.

I hung out with a girl from facebook last night, Ariela. We played board games, her and me and Danny. We played Life. I love Life. I got the police officer like I always try to (500 bucks for rolling a 10 never hurt anybody), but Danny stole my stock in number 6 and cleaned up. Number 6 is awesome. I found out I didn't have any Life money so we subsituted Monopoly money and it worked okay, except I forget how much car insurance costs, and I don't have the instructions. Thems the bones, I guess. Danny had twice as much money at the end than either of us did. It's because he stole my number 6 stock. Next time I'm buying that shit early on so he can't have it. I love board games. I love card games. I love music. I love carpet. I love desk. I love lamp.

The 40 Year Old Virgin is one of the best movies I've seen this year. It was really really sweet. If I had taken a girl to it she would have melted in my arms. Instead I took three guys, and there was no melting going on. But it did remind me of how virginal I've been recently, which is probably good in God's eyes, so that's something. But since I've never been big on the whole religion thing, I don't really give a flying fuck about God's eyes.

Ted Leo is the motherfucking man. "What do you make of nights when you thought you'd make much more than being too drunk to turn the lights out, and too tired to drink more?"
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Huzzah? [Aug. 15th, 2005|07:34 pm]
Man, this weekend was nice. I went home to Conifer to A)See my dad, cause he was out here visiting, B)Grab the remote to my DVD player, C)Pick up my Dwarves DVD, D)Help my brother move, and E)Get my mind off Sarai for a while. And I went five for five! Plus I got my Nintendo 64, some board games, and my mom's old records! So I really went like eight for five. That's pretty damn good. I want to get high, listen to records, and play Life. That shit would be awesome. Or, some old school Mario Kart. I need to go buy Goldeneye too now. I, folks, am the biggest nerd. But who cares. Cool people suck.

My brother's new place is nice but I'm worried he won't be able to cut it on his own. This is the first time he's lived outside the house, which makes sense and all since he's 18, but still. He just doesn't seem to have much of a grasp on the way things work in the outside world. I'm sure he'll do fine and I'm worrying about nothing, but I'll probably call him like once a week to make sure he's still alive.

Cam leaves tomorrow with Leslie for Yellowstone. That means I am all alone. So lonely. So lonely. I work tomorrow, anyway. Danny comes up on Thursday. Maybe one day Sarai will hang out with me, huh? I mean seriously. I talked to Rebekah today for a few minutes today for the first time and she seems way cool. Good family, that Rauch family. Even if Sarai has poor taste in men. Ha... ha... I've never met the guy, what do I know. Anyway, that's it.
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Shit happens [Aug. 12th, 2005|06:31 pm]
Well, turns out Sarai and Christian are in a relationship. I'm kind of upset that I didn't know about this sooner, but whatever. Hopefully he makes her happy. This just reminds me of how much this dating thing sucks. My life is just a series of incidents where I'm in the wrong place at the wrong time. But, at least I know where I stand now so I can move on. Sarai and I will just be friends, and I can hit the field again and see what's out there. Thanks for all the encouraging words before but it looks like it just wasn't meant to happen. If brownies and mix tapes can't do the trick, nothing can. Life goes on.
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All of the healing takes time... [Aug. 12th, 2005|08:00 am]
[mood |sleepysleepy]

Yeah, so this new place is alright. Everyone goes "Hey, this place is nice" when they walk in, but then I suspect if they actually looked around or stayed for a while, they'd realize why we only pay 250 a month for it. But hey, I ain't complaining. That's cheap. I don't expect quality for that much, just a roof and some walls and maybe a toilet.

The Comcast guy talked about how he wants to cheat on his wife with some "hot" lady from an adult dating site, adultfriendfinder.com. I wanted him to leave. There were several things wrong with that guy.

I got up at 6 and went to bed at like 1. This is how I torture myself to get me ready for the fucking night shift. So the plan is, go to bed tonight around 6 or 7, and wake up at like 2:30 (I don't have to be in until three in the morning tonight. Weeeee.). I really hate this shift. It's good exercise because of all the lifting, and it goes by fast, but I would much rather just be asleep like everyone else.

Sarai's back. We hung out. I hope I wasn't disappointing. Leslie tells me I worry too much and she's right. Sarai's friend Erin is way cool. I'd only known her for two days but I was sad to see her go. I am happy Sarai is here though, hopefully she'll still want to hang out with me. That'll give us both something to do on our days off. I still really like her. Maybe moreso now. This is problematic. I can't read people, I don't know what she thinks about me. I do know I'm jealous of Erin's brother Christian. I wish I could be so lucky. Ah well, keep your head up, keep trying. God I'm bored of my life.
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Entertain yourself with this while I'm gone [Aug. 3rd, 2005|07:42 am]
By the time I get on the internet next Wednesday I expect you all to have read this, crapped your pants laughing, and commented, and possibly filled it out on your own. Yes, I am a teenage girl.

1. What is your occupation? When I’m not busy being the Creator of All Things, I waste time at Officemax trying to sell people things they don’t need.

2. What color is your underwear? Today I have my usual leather g-string on, but sometimes, when I’m feeling frisky, I wear an elephant codpiece. You can imagine what fills out the trunk.

3. What are you listening to right now? A combination of my new fan that sounds like a low flying plane, and the water running as Brian takes a shower. You should be glad that I’m not in there with him.

4. What was the last thing you ate? I just had a salad with some delicious Ceasar oregano something dressing that Cam’s Leslie left here, and a frozen pizza that had been sitting in the freezer for an unhealthy amount of time.

5. Do you wish on stars? Only David Hasslehoff. He’s the only one who listens.

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Why is there a white crayon? I mean, first of all, you’re usually coloring white paper, but even if you’re coloring black paper it hardly even shows up. So with that in mind, I’d probably be burnt sienna.

7. How is the weather right now? I can’t see outside because I refuse to open my blinds ever again. If you know me, you know why. If you don’t... you’re not reading this.

8. Last person you spoke to on the phone? I spoke to John’s answering machine, but that’s not a person, so... some lady who works for Fort Collins Utilities who helped me set up the electricity earlier today. No, unfortunately it was not “my hot new girlfriend.”

9. Do you like the person who sent this to you? No. I mean yeah, she’s reading this. So... yeah. She’s... good. (J/K LESLIE LOLOLOL!!!111!! roxorz)

10. How old are you today? The same age as I was yesterday, plus one day. And the same age as I’ll be every day until December 23 (send presents).

12. Favorite sport to watch? The fish olympics. Those fish can really ice skate if given the chance.

13. Have you ever dyed your hair? No, but I’ve watched Sarai have three different hair colors in the past two months, so I kind of feel like I have, vicariously, by proxy, etc.

14. Do you wear contacts or glasses? Yes. On lazy days I wear glasses. On less lazy days I wear contacts. Generally contacts show off my incredibly sexy eyes more, so I wear them more often. But alas, no one seems to give a flying fuck.

15. Pets? I’ll let you pet me if you play your cards right, but you better take me out to dinner first.

16. Favorite month? Despite the fact that Summer far outweighs winter in the greatness scale, my favorite month is probably December because it’s my birthday, Christmas, Hannukah, and there’s no school for half of it.

17. Favorite food? Piiiiiiizzzzzzzaaaaaaa. Meeeeexxxxxxxiiiiiiiccccccannnnnn. But I’m not a huge fan of Mexican pizza.

18. Last movie you watched? Madagascar, which was decent. But let me tell you about this movie Hotel. It was awful. Probably the worst movie I’ve ever seen. I have no idea what happened in it or why, and it blew. It made Vanilla Sky look like a movie that sucks a lot less than it actually does. Disclaimer: Vanilla Sky still, in fact, blows ass.

19. Favorite day of the year? Now this is getting a little ridiculous. I don’t know anyone who’s like “Man, you know, June 16th is consistently good to me each year, I really love that day.”

20. What do you do to vent anger? Murder small children. Ha ha, no, I’m just kidding. They don’t have to be that small.

21. What was your favorite toy as a child? I just remembered yesterday that I had this game where you’d play a tape on the VCR (look it up in your history books, kids), and look through this viewfinder thing and shoot at planes and stuff. It beeped if you hit them. The technology behind this still baffles me.

22. Fall or Spring? I’m going to have to go with Spring, if only because falling can be embarrassing and painful.

23. Hugs or kisses? Thanks for the painful reminder that I’m alone and have very little chance of receiving either. Jerk.

24. Cherry or Blueberry? God I love cherry pie. I mean, I really love it. I proposed to one one time, but then I just ate it.

25. Do you want your friends to email you back? Yes. In fact, my life depends on it. If I get no replies I may just end my own life. That’s how much I need my friends to email me back.

26. Who is most likely to respond? I’m going to go out on a limb here and say Brian, since he’s the only one who ever does. He’s also my only friend.

27. Who is least likely to respond? George W. Bush, because I’ve said some nasty things about him in the past.

28. Living arrangements? Cheap hotels and parking lots, sometimes airports or the backs of grocery stores where I can’t be found. Basically wherever I can sleep without being arrested.

29. When was the last time you cried? I can’t remember the specific time, but I bet you money it had something to do with girls. Damn that gender.

30. What is on the floor of your closet? Three bowling balls, a human skull, and the liver of the ancient cheetah god, Ramulah.

31. Who is the friend you have had the longest? Fishy the magical wonder hamster.

32. What did you do last night? Went to bed at like 6:30. It was pretty awesome, you should have been there.

33. Favorite smells? If I told you, you’d call me a freaky freak mcfreakerson, or something equally upsetting, like super weird freaky dude or dirty rotten freak weirdo freak man.

34. What inspires you? Seeing bad people get hurt. Does that make me a bad person?

35. What are you afraid of? I’m afraid of being alone for the rest of my life, afraid of the uncertainty that the future holds, afraid when I think of how insignificant my life is in the grand scheme of the universe. Nah, I’m just kidding, I’m really afraid of the holes in swiss cheese.

36. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? What’s a spicy hamburger? I dump a lot of spices in my hamburgers. But I also put cheese on them. Are the two mutually exclusive? What’s the meaning of life? Why not have a cheesy spicy hamburger? Can cows jump?

37. Favorite car? Horse drawn carriages are where it’s at, baby.

38. Favorite dog breed? Being as I am an expert in all things dog, I do believe the best is the schnauzerweilerpoodleterrieretriever. It’s... just a mix of all five of the dog types I know, it doesn’t really exist. I mean, look it up.

39. Number of keys on your key ring? I recently doubled my key total from 2 to 4, but soon I’ll be back to a paltry 3. Mailbox, car, apartment. I’m a really simple kind of guy like that.

40. How many years at your current address? Years? I haven’t lived for years in the same place in.... years. The current one as of today, about 2 months. If I answered this later today I’d be able to say about x hours. I move a lot. I guess that’s to be expected when you’re my age and your awesomeness scares people away.

41. Favorite day of the week? As NOFX says, “Monday is my favorite time of year.” It’s true if you don’t work, because you can do whatever you want and there’s nobody out. Except old people and parents with little screaming kids. Which almost makes you want to wait until the weekend to go do something before you realize then it’s middle aged grumpy people and stupid drunk ass college kids trying to get laid you have to deal with then. The moral of the story: never leave your house.

42. How many states have you lived in? Let’s see. I’ll put it into song form. “Iiiiiiiii was born in Texassssss, thennnnnn I lived in Geeeeee-oooooorrrr-giaaaaa. We moooooved to Coloraaaadoooooo. Then I kinda lived in Nevada for a moooooonth. Aaaaaaand thaaaaaatttttt’ssss iiiiiiiiiit!” It’ll be a top ten hit soon, don’t you worry.
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quick update [Aug. 2nd, 2005|11:34 pm]
Well, Brian's visit ends tomorrow, and we move into the new place fully tomorrow. So sorry I haven't been around recently, but things have been really hectic with work and Brian and whatnot. Looks like we'll be internetless until next week (FUUUUUCK COMCAST!) so... I'll keep text messaging, maybe calling you, Sarai, until you get back. I look forward to seeing you and I'll help you move into your new place if I have time. Anyway, that's it for now, see you all back on the internet next Wednesday.
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shiite [Jul. 26th, 2005|11:41 pm]
Brian's here. I'm tired. I'm going to miss talking to Sarai for the next few days. Going hiking tomorrow if it stays coolish. Trying to sort out my feelings, still confused about a lot of stuff, but less depressed than before. Denver traffic sucks. Random sentences strung together to somehow create a greater meaning has a name, but I can't remember it, and these sentences don't have a greater meaning anyway. Excited for this week with Brian, really excited to chill with Sarai when she gets back. Guess that's about it.
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Everything goes numb [Jul. 25th, 2005|10:37 am]
No sleep again last night. Too hot. Too many things on my mind. I'm starting to feel like shit because I never get sleep. Can't take naps. Too hot. Too light. Too many things on my mind. I feel justified in being a pessimist at times like this. Everything was looking up and people were telling me my life was on the right track and I was like "Yeah, well, something will go wrong soon." And it did. And it still hurts even though I kind of expected it, honestly. New girl? No check. New job? Half check. The future? Fucking a mystery to me. I feel like a failure in every facet of my life. Even Bubs shining up his chicken isn't cheering me up right now. It's that bad. It took some effort to not crash my car into something hard on the way to Officemax to complain about my schedule. I haven't felt like this in a while. I hope it passes.
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